I think sliding glass doors should be outlawed. Who came up with that brilliant idea anyway? At least there should be a recall on any sliding door models made before 1998. No doors worth using that are made of glass were made before 1998. In fact, if you invite me over to your house and you have an old sliding glass door there’s a 78% chance that I will whole-heartedly consider putting a chair through it. Where did this hate stem from, you might ask. Well, I’ll tell you. A couple weeks back I was house sitting for some friends who have two GIANT dogs. I’m not kidding, Truman (the Great Dane) looks like a horse running around in the back yard and Whitlin (spelling?) is a good sized golden retriever with more than a fair share of energy. Well, obviously these guys like to get some exercise in and play in the back yard so what kind of a sitter would I be if I didn’t let them out in the morning to run around a bit? Here’s where the problems start emerging. If you are house sitting you are probably using the spare key to the house, I was. If the house has an old sliding glass door the lock might stay locked at almost all times no matter what you try to do to unlock it, it did. I didn’t go into this experience unaware; maybe that’s the worst part, but on that fateful Thursday morning I walked outside with two cute dogs and slid the door a bit harder than I intended. I heard the sickening click of the lock, realized my keys were not in my pockets, and felt my heart sink in despair. Never before in my life have I so desperately wanted the technical training of a locksmith. How great of a job would that be? In the meantime I had the small problem of figuring out how to get to work. I walked five or six blocks down the way to a bank that was opening and asked to use their phone and the yellow pages to find a locksmith. Oh the joys of house sitting… free access to a washer and dryer and a $40.00 bill to get into a house in which I didn’t actually live. Who am I kidding? I had a great time. I must get along better with dogs than with humans. Plus I came away with a strong urge to find some locksmith tools and do a little bit of practicing here and there. And now I know, if I’m going to build my own house I’m gonna get a fingerprint scanner locking mechanism and practice picking the locks on my front door on a regular basis. And for sure NO SLIDING-GLASS-DOOR!
Unfortunatley for me I was caught on fire, doused with strange chemicals, and dumped into the Louisiana swamps by the evil Dr. Anton Arcane, but then my body mutated. No longer am I human, or even an animal. My body is now made from the muck and plants of the swamp. I'm super strong and can make plants do my bidding. Oh, the joys of things in the swamp.